Dismissive-Avoidant Attachment in Parenting: Why You Rush to Fix Your Child's Feelings

When your child cries, is your first instinct to solve it, minimise it, or offer ice cream? You are not alone, and it certainly does not mean you do not care.

By Bosom x Clarity Singapore | Part 2 of 4 | Clinically reviewed by Aeden Kuek, Clinical Psychologist | 5 min read

“Pa, I had a bad day.”

Before your child has finished the sentence, you are already on it. “What happened? Here’s what you should do. It’s not that bad lah. Want some ice cream?”

If that sounds familiar, you may lean towards a dismissive-avoidant attachment style. With this pattern, relying on others for comfort can feel unfamiliar or uncomfortable. When difficult feelings (yours or anyone else’s) show up, you may find yourself trying to fix them, minimise them, or move past them quickly.

These patterns often make sense when you examine what you learnt about emotions and closeness growing up, and crucially, they can change.

What is Dismissive-Avoidant Attachment?

Your attachment style is the blueprint you developed as a child for handling closeness and distress. (New to attachment styles? Start with our guide Attachment Styles Parenting.)

When psychologist Mary Ainsworth studied one-year-olds in the 1970s, one group seemed unfazed when caregivers left and turned away when they returned. As their caregivers were not always responsive, those children learnt to turn their attachment signals down. Later studies revealed that even when avoidant children looked calm outwardly, their bodies still registered stress. Looking okay and feeling okay are not always the same thing.

As adults, the same tendency to rely strictly on self-reliance and keep our need for comfort to ourselves resurfaces in relationships as dismissive-avoidant attachment.

Signs of Dismissive-Avoidant Attachment

The underlying message can sound something like this: “I am better off handling things myself.” You might notice some common signs including:

Asking for help feels weak or like a burden.
When someone is upset, your immediate instinct is to fix the problem or move away from the feelings.
Saying “I’m fine” becomes your default, even when stress is showing up elsewhere.
Your partner mentions that you “shut down” during arguments.

Where Does Avoidant Attachment Come From?

For many, this pattern stems from family environments where emotions were brushed aside: “We didn’t talk about that stuff. You just dealt with it and moved on.”

Many Singaporean parents will recognise this. Many of us grew up in homes where love was shown through provision: food on the table, tuition, and a roof over our heads. Responses like “Don’t cry” and “So small thing also cry?” may have been common. Our parents worked hard and did their best they knew how. However, when a child repeatedly learns that their feelings are not welcome, they may learn to handle them alone.

How It Shows Up in Your Parenting

With a Newborn

Feeling uncomfortable or helpless when your child cannot be soothed easily.
Feeling more at ease with feeds, schedules, and baby gear than figuring things out organically.
Retreating into work when home feels emotionally intense.
Answering your partner’s postpartum tears with solutions instead of comfort.

With Toddlers and Older Children

Saying “Don’t cry” or “It’s not a big deal.”
Reaching for bribes or screens to make upsetting moments pass quickly.
Jumping straight to solutions when your child just wants to be heard.
Pushing for independence early and struggling when your child needs closeness or reassurance.

Often, the rush to fix comes from our own discomfort with unfixable emotions. Over time, children may learn to keep some of their feelings to themselves or come to you exclusively for solutions rather than comfort.

“Sometimes, we rush to fix because it is hard for us to see someone we love upset. Learning to stay with our child for a little longer can show them that we can be there even during big emotions.”

– Clarity Singapore

How to Break the Pattern

Here’s a five-step method to break the pattern. Here is what that can look like:

Notice The Urge to Fix: Recognise that “make it stop” feeling as your own discomfort and name it quietly: “I’m uncomfortable right now.”
Ask What They Need: With older children, try asking: “Do you want help, or do you want me to just listen?”
Name The Feeling: Try, “It sounds like you are really disappointed,” to help them feel understood and make the emotion easier to talk about.
Stay A Little Longer: If sitting with feelings is new to you, even a short while can feel uncomfortable. See if you can stay with your child a little longer before trying to make the feeling go away.
Fix Later: Problem-solving works best once your child feels heard and is ready to think about what comes next.

Questions to Reflect On

When I cried as a child, what happened? Can I remember a specific time?
What did comfort look like in my home?
Which parenting moments do I expect to find hardest: non-stop crying, my child wanting lots of closeness, sitting with their big feelings, or tears at drop-off?

If your answer is “I don’t really remember”, that is okay. You do not have to force a memory. Simply getting curious about what you learnt regarding comfort and emotions growing up is a useful starting point.

Talking to Your Partner

Explain When You Need Space: “When I go quiet, I’m usually feeling overwhelmed. It doesn’t mean I don’t care.”
Give A Return Time: “I need 20 minutes, then let’s talk” is very different from disappearing.
Watch For the Chase-And-Retreat Cycle: If your partner leans anxious, your withdrawal can make them pursue harder, making you retreat further. Naming the cycle together takes the heat out of it. (Read about anxious attachment Anxious Attachment Parenting)
Share The Comforting: Avoid defaulting into “the feelings parent” or “the fixer.”

Try asking: “When you’re upset, do you want solutions from me, or just company?”

When to Get Extra Support

People with this pattern may find it hard to ask for help because “it’s not that bad.” Therapy is not only for crises, though. It can also be a safe place to practise turning towards others when things feel difficult.

New dads need support too. Around 1 in 10 fathers experience postpartum depression, which in men can show up as irritability, withdrawal, or overworking rather than low mood.

Bosom Singapore
Clarity Singapore

Frequently Asked Questions

Can A Dismissive-Avoidant Parent Raise a Securely Attached Child?

Yes. Attachment patterns are not simply handed down. Understanding your patterns gives you more choice in how you respond, helping you build a more secure relationship.

Does Avoidant Attachment Mean I Do Not Care About My Child?

No, many avoidant parents care deeply about their children. Dismissive attachment reflects a learned reliance on self-sufficiency, not a lack of love.

Can Your Attachment Style Change?

Attachment patterns can change. Through reflection, supportive relationships, and sometimes therapy, people can develop a more secure way of relating over time. This is sometimes known as earned security. (Earned Secure Attachment)

The Takeaway

You do not have to make your child’s feelings disappear to help them. Sometimes, simply staying beside them while they are upset is enough. Start small, because even baby steps count!

References

Ainsworth, M. D. S., Blehar, M. C., Waters, E., & Wall, S. (1978). Patterns of attachment: A psychological study of the Strange Situation. Lawrence Erlbaum Associates.

Jin, H., & Nam, J. E. K. (2025). Exploring the association between mother’s insecure adult attachment and negative parenting behaviour: The role of general and maternal mentalization. Early Child Development and Care, 195(4), 285–298. https://doi.org/10.1080/03004430.2025.2501103

Mikulincer, M., & Shaver, P. R. (2012). An attachment perspective on psychopathology. World Psychiatry, 11(1), 11–15. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.wpsyc.2012.01.003

Paulson, J. F., & Bazemore, S. D. (2010). Prenatal and postpartum depression in fathers and its association with maternal depression: A meta-analysis. JAMA, 303(19), 1961– 1969. https://doi.org/10.1001/jama.2010.605

Spangler, G., & Grossmann, K. E. (1993). Biobehavioral organization in securely and insecurely attached infants. Child Development, 64(5), 1439–1450. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1467-8624.1993.tb02962.x